Who is Vanderstank?
Vanderstank is a tech company, a loving family, a spiritual system, and an enriching lifestyle—but most of all, it's the final step for a newer, better you. We've grown far beyond our original goal of perfecting the world's products… now we're perfecting the world's people.
We aim to enlighten humanity on every level, from our innovative home products to a spiritual system to unleash your inner strength and expose the secrets of the universe to you. Explore the cutting edge of technology, earn your own personal collection of Vanderstank badges, study the teachings of the Book of Vanderstank, submit yourself to our 1,000,000% safe cutting-edge cognitioneering procedures.
They're coming. Fucking run.
WHAT IS 7.0?
Years of research, dedication, and hard work have resulted in the seventh generation of the Vanderstank mission: our clearest path to Enlightenment yet. Humanity's existence on this earth as we know it is drawing to a close—not because of some cataclysmic event or apocalype, but for a much more exciting reason. The world's brightest minds have finally discovered the next step in evolution, not of our bodies, but of our very existence, into a realm where time and space need no longer affect us the way they used to. We stumbled upon this epiphany while working on our latest technology: Q-Tech.
The introduction of our new Q-Tech technology not only brings the magic of quantum mechanics to our product lines, but also an all-new Quantum Treatment cognitioneering procedure that will be performed on more members than ever. Our now-famous Personal Treatment prepares the mind and body to receive Enlightenment, and now the Quantum Treatment opens the door to an entirely new reality, free from the constraints of time and space. But this new reality isn't quite compatible with the existing world in which we live, and Treated members may find it difficult or impossible to fit in with the world they once inhabited. Fortunately, we have the answer.
Enlightened members may hope to one day join the newly opened Vanderfield, our very own Enlightened Members Commune in Arizona where the Vanderstank Family can live and thrive in a heavenly environment, free of the soil of the unenlightened world. Members can coexist with those who've shared the same Treatments and reached the same level of Enlightenment, free of distractions, with only Vanderstank members, Vanderstank products, and Vanderstank religion, and can focus purely on development of the Self in their new Enlightened and/or Quantum-enriched state.
How can we prepare ourselves for this new era? The VanderSelf lifestyle regimen can help you achieve a lifestyle that is not only healthy, but optimizes the mind and body for Enlightenment. Our site has also been improved both on the surface and under the hood, including redesigned member profile pages that are now available upon request for all members VACRO II and higher, not just the Executive Board!
Finally, we know that Enlightenment isn't for everyone, so we're supporting regular old charities that don't accept the Vanderpoint by launching a new selection of Vanderstank apparel. Now you can show your support for the Company while also supporting cancer research for those who still need their unenlightened bodies!
Yeah… you could say this is a big leap forward.
"Joining the Family was the best decision I ever made. Five years ago I was living in a trash-filled alleyway in total squalor. Now I'm successful, wealthy, and enlightened, and the inner workings of the universe are laid out before me like a beautiful banquet. Vanderthanks!"
— Celia Cave, VACRO III