Be Your Best VanderSelf

Enlightenment isn't easy to attain, it takes hard work and determination. We are proud to announce the results of a research program over two years in the making—the VanderSelf regimen. Not only is the VanderSelf program incredibly good for you, but it optimizes your body for the Personal Treatment to go smoothly.

All members wishing to undergo Personal Treatment must pledge strict adherence to the VanderSelf regimen for at least one (1) year prior.

Rituals

• Meditation: You must meditate at least twice per day for at least one hour uninterrupted, focusing on absolutely nothing, with the exception of Church-approved aids such as a specific mantra or certain frequencies of binaural beats.
• Every morning, find something funny, and laugh uncontrollably. Say praise to Caroline for creating humor in the universe.
• Purge your mind shortly before sleep every night: Delve deep into your thoughts, become very upset, cry, and scream loudly. Then, meditate. This must be the last thing you do before falling asleep.
• Begin and end every conversation with a fellow Family member with "Praise Caroline!"
• Contact V0002 for the latest update on our rituals.

Infused Symbols

• You must keep an infused symbol on you at all times. This may be The Shape, the Linking Sigil, the Queen of Leaves, the Old Vanderstank Sigil, or another Church-approved symbol, on a card or piece of paper in a pocket or wallet, worn as clothing, or as a tattoo. Any Family member found without an Infused Symbol on their person will be terminated immediately.

Speech

• You must mention Vanderstank out loud to somebody in conversation at least once per day. This is not just for advertising purposes; sharing your Vanderstank loyalty with the world opens the heart and clears the mind.
• You must say at least one sentence that doesn't make any sense out loud to somebody in conversation at least once per day.
• Use the word "descrive" at least once per day. Remind yourself that "describe" is not a word.
• Use the word "Vanderthanks" whenever you are deeply thankful for something.

Polylateral Time System

• Begin planning your days and eventually your life around the Polylateral Time System. Aligning your life's actions with the geometric and geodesic energy patterns we've discovered throughout spacetime will improve your life immensely. It may be helpful to print the PTS Diagram or write down dates and times from the polygon or polygons that are most applicable to you.
• Arrange a private meeting with a senior Family member at least once yearly to help analyze the past year as it relates to the more intricate aspects of the PTS (relative polygons, etc.) and help plan the coming year.

General Health

• You must consume at least 8 cups of water per day, or at least 2 cups of Diet Water. Hydration is crucial, both in everyday health and in your own safety during Treatment and/or Storage.
• Consume a reasonably healthy diet. We desire the best health for all members, and unhealthy members are more difficult to Treat.
• Get at least six (6) hours of sleep per day. For those who have trouble with sleep, this may be aided by an organic substance such as melatonin, but not by artificial substances (such as cough syrup or Benadryl)

Drugs

• If you have been prescribed any drugs, please report these to a senior Family member so we can determine which ones you may continue taking and which ones are harmful to the VanderSelf program.
• You may partake in alcohol and/or cannabis, but limit usage to less than 50% of days (for example, 3 days per week, or 14 days per month) to limit the effects of significant toxicity or addiction.
• Psychedelic drugs such as LSD or psilocybin mushrooms must be taken with a Blue, Green, or Golden Oak badge present and recorded for the purpose of studying the nature of consciousness for the Vanderstank Mission. Unrecorded psychedelic experiences are prohibited.
• If you have been Treated and are taking Vanderfeels emotion supplements, follow the instructions exactly as written and ensure a Blue, Green, or Golden Oak member is present.
• Not allowed under any circumstances: Cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, and most other DEA Schedule I or II drugs, and prescription drugs taken recreationally, with certain exceptions such as Adderall. Consult an Executive for specific cases.