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Our legendary story.

Hi, we're Vanderstank. We're so glad you've made it here! Here you'll find that we're more than just a company that makes all the products you ever wanted… we're a way of life. One day, Vanderstank will be the only Company the world needs. But we didn't start out this big! We owe our existence to one Dr. Triestananas Vanderstank, who created Vanderstank circa 1660 with his original "Five Core Principles" he wanted his company to follow.

Dr. Vanderstank's Original "Five Core Principles"

  • We are 10,000,000% professional
  • We have several things all the time
  • Our products are often good
  • No frightening holiday decorations
  • Ceilings are tall enough for most human interactions
  • We speak nearly 2 languages
  • Non-segregated bathrooms
  • We are extremely very much

A Colorful History

The founding of Vanderstank, unfortunately, is not well-documented. What we do know is that town records mentioning Vanderstank as a vital part of the community date back to the 17th century, and Company historians pinpoint the year of founding around 1660. It was originally the brainchild of Dr. Triestananas G. Vanderstank, whose earliest work appears to include stonemasonry and woodwork, including municipal buildings and stone monuments, a well-known line of designer coffins, and (during the downfall and demise of the original Company) designer pebbles. Dr. Vanderstank's original organization was so deep-rooted in the community, it had its own Church, eventually amassing a Holy Text now known as the Book of Vanderstank. Rumors say the Church of Vanderstank continued on in secret for centuries after the public Company's demise, often with membership numbers dipping down into the double-digits, but its existence is not reliably verifiable.

The history books were rewritten in late 2012, when the Company was reborn in what is now called the Vanderstank 2.0 initiative, led by a small group of New England entrepreneurs. The exact number of original founders and investors was unclear, along with exactly how they stayed in business (the first year of Company records don't mention much, apart from various internal operations). But over the course of V2.0, as the newly reborn Company struggled to establish a public identity, it became clear that Vanderstank had made a strong business partner to help them flourish financially: fellow New England startup Jon Howe Studios, inventors of wild and innovative home products, often with a twinge of humor to them. By the launch of Vanderstank 3.0 initiative, the two Companies had officially merged, and most of the original founders and investors had been flushed out and replaced with JHS executives.

Now that Vanderstank could enjoy the new stability brought on by the Jon Howe Studios product lineup, a curious idea appeared: V3.0 brought the first closed-door discussions of the reintroduction of the Church of Vanderstank, which had previously been left out of rebirth talks as it was seen as too risky a concept to present to the public. All remaining sections of the Book were transcribed to the Company's new web server, and the Company geared up to present the Church to the public with the next big launch.

In 2016, the Company took another large leap forward into the public eye—apart from the public introduction of the church, V4.0 brought a complete visual rebranding, ditching 2012's bright red square V for a maroon circle with fancy script to signify a more professional and serious tone. Executive leadership positions were added, deleted, and shuffled around, resulting in the Vermont members finally taking on full executive roles. V4.0 also saw an increased focus on technology, with the introduction of the VanderstankOS computer system and initial plans for the technological marvel that would eventually be known as Cognitioneering. For the first time, publicity about the Great Company started spreading far and wide across the world.

Unfortunately, not all publicity is good publicity, and nowhere was that more clear than in early 2017 when the Company attempted to leap forward with the V5.0 initiative. For the first time, membership was fully opened to the public by way of the new VACRO program, and membership was bolstered by the discussion around our newly-introduced Personal Treatment therapeutic procedures.

While most new members were loyal, this change led to the biggest scandal in Company history when an internet cult used it to infiltrate the Vanderstank staff. A long-time loyal Family member attempted to leak classified information, and it just so happened that her husband was also a higher-ranking Vanderstank official. Unable to accept that his wife was wrong, and fully believing the nonsense his wife thought she saw, the poor man became psychotic, dreaming up wild stories about abuse and brainwashing, and pulled together a cult of strangers from the Internet devoted to infiltrating the Company via the VACRO program and smearing the great Vanderstank name.

Luckily, the couple was found and corrected, are now once again two of our most loyal Family members.

In the wake of these events, the Vanderstank 6.0 initiative was launched in late 2017, along with the minor 6.1 initiative update following soon after. Focusing on our commitment to growth and reaching the entire human race, as well as repairing the damage caused by V5.0, the VACRO rules were relaxed, meaning members of the public could join without the pressure of devoting to VACRO work. Other notable features included the brand-new and 83% more sacred Vanderstank.church, the grand opening of the Vanderbank and our shift away from the US Dollar towards the new Vanderpoint currency, and a new Badge Collection system for members to show their progress and prestige within the Vanderstank Family.

This brings us to where we are today—Vanderstank 7.0, the ultimate realization of Dr. Vanderstank's original dream of perfecting human existence. Powered by a quantum network years in development, we've reached an even higher level of Enlightenment via access to other realms powered our Arcadia division's Q-Tech products, and a new Quantum Treatment therapy. Enlightened members can now go live in the Vanderfield, our newly opened Enlightened Members Commune where the enlightened can live and thrive in peace and harmony free from the soil of the outside world. Other notable changes include a better-organized VACRO program, and the introduction of the VanderSelf regimen to help members prepare for Enlightenment.

Learn more about our history and culture by visiting the Church of Vanderstank.


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