Phelix is our Executive Vice President. He previously held positions including Senior Nostalgia Advisor and Director of Criminal Activities, but his renewed devotion to Vanderstank's most secretive projects led to his promotion in 2017. His original application was accepted when it was discovered that he shared the same habit of smoking five cigars at once as our founder, Dr. Triestananas Vanderstank. Hemmitt's childhood remains a mystery, though he insists he hails from a planet named Japminodjion 7, which he says exists on the corner of Jasmin and High St. in "that one town in New Hampshire that was featured in that one movie that's getting remade soon." In his spare time he enjoys long walks in the woods, short jaunts to the moon, and eating his daily lunch of 37 tamales in a single sitting. Hemmitt is also a founding member of Vermont rock band Purple Juda.
Brodona discovered Phelix while on safari in northern Vermont. After witnessing this gentleman single-fistedly fight and defeat a bear because there was a bottle of Scotch in his off hand and a cigar in his mouth. Our president soon grew closer to this man who seemed of a different time, a time when men could be both a warrior and a gardener.
This man has outdrank a Scotsman, a slav, and an Iroquois fellow at the same time. This man has never refused to help anyone who has asked help. This is a man who cries every time he takes a life. He has won more bar room brawls than Brodona could keep track of. Vanderstank has expressly forbade him from receiving a cognitioneering procedure out to fear of him taking over Vanderstank and conquering all of humanity. And most importantly, he has the testicles to tell our glorious president to fuck off. Every time Brodona fires him, he just says no and continues on his work. His biggest weakness is that he cannot see without the aid of a lens. He cares not about the backroom politics of the company, he just wants to see the company strive, succeed, and flourish.